Katherine Kneupper, LCSW

Parents sit in my office perplexed and overwhelmed. Their beloved child is struggling emotionally and their minds spin trying to understand the best way to help. Often they feel shame and guilt. Where I encourage parents to begin is with nourishing their own tender and hardworking hearts. Self -compassion for their emotional experience allows a gentle kindness, a moment’s reprieve from problem solving the troubling circumstances. Following a kind dialogue with oneself we are better able to tend to the vulnerability of our children.

Self –compassion exercise: It can help to evoke a memory of an adult who knew just how to comfort you when you were young, a person who was able to see you and love you without reserve (a coach, aunt, parent, teacher). What would they have said to you right now? How would they have understood? For example: “Julie you are in pain. You are tired. Close your eyes and rest my dear.” Or “Tom, I know this is overwhelming, just take it one step at a time. I’m here with you.” This wise care is to be offered to oneself again and again, without reserve. It is in the arms of acceptance where the struggle of parenting can rest for a moment. For those who had no one providing such unconditional love in childhood turn to the voice of your best adult friend or partner.

When parents can begin with self-compassion they access tremendous empathy for themselves and subsequently their children. They establish a clear connection with their emotions and suffering. They are able to return to their wiser and kinder self.

Our intimacy with ourselves is going to be revealed by our children brilliant in their ability to unearth our edges and vulnerabilities. The more we know of our inner world and are able to care for our emotions the better prepped we are for the young. Children are here to push and challenge us well. Self-compassion is a steadying tool for the perplexities of parenting.

For more on this practice read: Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

Sadness is the surprise heroine in the wonderful movie Inside Out. Though Joy captures us with her wit and energy, it is the slow and burdensome blue girl that finally allows for healing after a painful life transition. This movie serves a wise reminder that all feelings are honorable if not also humorous in their universality.
Inside Out lends reflection to how we can support our children with their sadness. This is no small task considering the pain of observing our children suffer or grieve. We would do anything to not have our children feel sad! However, teaching our children how to allow for unhappiness is a powerful life skill. The following are tools for this practice:
*Self-reflection in how we as adults relate to our own sadness is necessary if we are to guide our children through the inevitable losses in life. How do you experience sadness? How do you grieve? What messages did you receive about crying? With this knowledge we are better equipped for mindful support of what is new emotional territory for our kids.
*Next, seek to empathize. Name the feelings you are observing in your child, help them describe the color and texture of their pain. Demonstrate that you are trying to truly understand this sadness of theirs. Relate your experiences of feeling depressed and how you cope. “Mary, you are crying. I wonder if you are sad about something that happened at school today? I love you and I know you are hurting. It makes my heart hurt a little too. Would you like to sit with me and talk?”
*Finally, know that children are resilient and innately able to cope when they feel supported and understood. When parents and caregivers show up fully to witness, normalize, and explore sadness young people will develop emotional intelligence. They will be able to access their own wisdom thereby learning how to solve their own problems and tolerate distress.
Inside Out is a fun and touching film of a family learning to do just this.

It is often with awe that I observe the teenagers in my life. They stand in the middle, a time in-between, that vibrates with movement and change. In looking at the rare photograph I was allowed to take of a friend’s 14 year old daughter just six months ago I am astonished to see how greatly she has transformed. Subtle and overt growth as her life, body, and brain expand. I want to photograph her all the time in attempt at illuminating the distinct beauty of her 14th year.
Her mother shares the struggles with me. How angry and distant she can be. How her eating has changed. How to set boundaries yet allow her to explore and experience life independently? It is a passionate mother daughter dance in these adolescent years. I encourage steadiness and a gentle hand in guiding her daughter. I offer what I have come to understand about the incredible brain development of the years 12 through 24.
The wisdom gleaned from Dr. Daniel Siegel’s book Brainstorm has stayed with me. Adolescence is not a phase to be simply survived but embraced. He expands on the prevailing myths that only further isolate teens with labels of immaturity or a belief that they are seeking to be fully independent. The task of adolescence is to connect with others, a social group, as well as a range of guiding, attuned adults. The enterprise of this wide range of adolescent years is to explore and innovate while also deepening self-awareness. In Brainstorm, Siegel offers accessible and concrete tools for parents and teenagers to learn about the changes that are happening in the teenage brain and thereby enhance compassionate understanding and communication. He encourages activities that promote integration of the right and left sides of the brain such as journaling, naming emotions, and mindfulness.
Adolescence is vibrant with the sparks of questioning and seeking. As adults we too thrive when we embrace such qualities within ourselves. Daniel Siegel reminds us to look to our teenagers for inspiration of boldness and innovation.

Visit this website for more information on Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain
http://www.drdansiegel.com/